I've given up any pretense of even pretending to work today. It's not going to happen. Too much angst going on to think about silly things like work. 

If I bottom out in the marathon, it's not going to be because I physically wasn't ready. It's going to be because I mentally psyched myself out. Way too much brain chatter going on about the race. I went out this morning for the last 3-mile run. One mile warm-up and 2 miles at race pace of 8:23/mile and I blathered on the entire way. I'm tired. The pace is too fast and it's only 3 miles. My God, I'm not ready. I should rethink my pace. Maybe run the 8:35 pace from Chicago so I feel better during the race. No, it's just the warm-up. I'm always tired the first few miles until I get a rhythm. No, it's a sign. I'm not ready. Stop the negative chatter! Think positive! Imagine yourself crossing the finish line at Boston. No, not limping across crying. Happy thoughts! Happy finish line!"

Before Chicago, I felt strong. Mentally and physically. I was pretty sure I was going to have the run of my life and I did. This time, the self-confidence is low. Very low. And I can't quite figure out why. But I BETTER figure out why before I get to the start or else the mental game will drag me under. 

I'm reminding myself of what I felt when I signed up for Boston. It was a freebie. For fun. I knew most everything I like to control before a race (dinner, morning routine, etc. ) would be out the door and I was looking forward to that. I'd just go with the flow and see where I ended up. No pressure. No goals. Just run. Run run, keep running, run some more and boom! Finished. 

That's what I need to hold on to. I think this mental chatter is me grappling with finding some measure of control over the race. I also think I'll be a lot happier and enjoy the experience when I just let go and say, "You know what? It is what it is. Let's do this and have fun." 

Maybe that will be my new running mantra. "Unclench, Dena. Unclench." ;)

Sometimes when I'm running I compose blog posts in my head. I spent a couple of hours doing that yesterday. I was running for almost three hours as I completed the LAST (pause for trumpets blaring and crowd cheering) twenty-mile run of the training! Although my friend Michael and his daughter were running twenty as well, they were well over a mile ahead of me so I spent the three hours on my own.

Me being me, most of the material I'm mentally composing is sarcastic/funny. Jokes about the body falling apart, mental fatigue, the twenty bucks I offered the woman with the baby stroller to let me climb in with her toddler and push me up the hill, etc.

However, around mile 17, as I was jogging up yet another hill in Battleground Park, it occurred to me that even though I was aiming for funny, a lot of what I'd been thinking about that morning and what I'd been planning to write was, well... negative. So I asked myself, what's been good about this run? And the answers flowed in: 

• It was perfect running weather. Sunny, 40's, and everything has started turning green
• I got to pet a Great Dane
• People were in great moods, smiling, nodding, and saying hello
• As I jogged by a darling little girl and her dad he said, "Say hi to the runner," and she waved and whispered, "Hi."
• I saw a poodle make a mad dash for freedom before her owner caught up to her and scooped her up, scolding her with kisses.
• I felt like walking on several hills but pushed myself not to quit and I made it up and over without taking a break
• I got to quickly see several friends out doing their runs as well
• An orangish-red bird, very small, stayed with me for about a quarter mile, flitting from branch to branch just ahead of me
• The sun on the lakes was beautiful

And finally, I ran yesterday's 20 miles at the same pace I ran the Chicago marathon and yesterday's run had a lot more hills than Chicago. I find this encouraging and hope it bodes well for my performance at Boston.

So sorry, no humor today. Just gratitude for a healthy body and a lifestyle that allows me to fit in running. I hope all of you reading found things to be grateful for in your weekend as well.

Cheers,

Dena

Good news! In case this writing career doesn't pan out, I suspect I have a strong future in 1-900 phone sex lines as every day I get better and better at this heavy breathing thing.

Yes, today was a running day. 

In fact, today's run was one of the longest tempo runs of the FURMAN FIRST program: a one mile warm-up followed by 10 miles at marathon pace, or 8:23/mile for me. Here is what I learned from today's run:

• Overdressing is a bad thing
• I must remember to pack sunglasses for Boston
• Starting out too fast will always come back to bite me in the end
• I sound (and possibly look) like an asthmatic walrus the first four miles of any run
• There is a lot of guano on the Greenway

I struggled to hold pace today. Which makes no sense as Barefoot Josh and I ran a faster pace than this for the same distance two weeks ago. But as several of my running friends point out, there's just no telling who's going to show up on any given day for a run. Some days are just better than others.

However, if I needed a reminder that so much of this running business is mental, I had it today. 

I pushed myself through the last two miles, taking several walk breaks, then hauling a** the last half mile to make sure I made pace. Once the official run was over, I took a deep breath, relaxed, and went into a slow and easy cool-down run for a mile. The difference was immense. No strain, no heavy breathing, just a nice easy pace. No worries...

I looked at my watch at the end of my cool-down mile and guess what? I ran it at race pace - an 8:23. But since I didn't HAVE to run that fast and wasn't worrying about pace, it all came easy. 

MENTAL. I just have to get my head in the game. 

I just returned from a 5 mile tempo run. No, wait. That's untrue for two reasons.

1.  I've been back for well over an hour but have been eating Haagen-Dazs Mango Sorbet in the hopes that concentrated, flavored, frozen sugar water would cheer me up from a dismal run. But it sounds more hardcore if I insinuate I came in dripping from a run and sat straight down at the computer to write about it.
2. I cheated and only did four miles of the 5 mile run.

I've been wondering--between gulps of sorbet--why I cheated. I've decided it's because I'm bad at math.

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So I'm trotting along on my 18-mile long run yesterday. Run, run, happy, happy. It's the first time I've done a long run outside (with some large unidentifiable yellow orb in the sky) in over a month. I'm thrilled to be back. 

Chatting with friends, I mentally make note of a light twinge behind my right kneecap. It's not pain. More like a warning that there could be pain. Big deal. It's not a run unless something hurts. 

Since most people I run with aren't training for a marathon (or they are but are considerably faster than  me), they drift off after mile 10. I keep running. At mile 12, I stop for a water break. Throwing down the water bottle, I stand back up, hit the "Start" button on my watch... and almost hit the ground as my right knee buckles beneath me. 

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