Muse Medallion Action Shots
/You asked for it and I deliver. Feast your eyes on the most-coveted Muse Medallion. Note the lingering awe and admiration in the eyes of my beloved felines. Yes, that's right...they adore me. - Dena
Muse Medallion
/A small brag. I was so focused on sharing my "left my wallet in the cab" story I neglected to mention the outcome of the awards banquet I attended Saturday night. This is the cat writers association annual banquet and I'd entered my work in three categories - humor column, individual humor piece, gift book.
The way the judging works is that 3 independent judges rate your piece and you must score an average of 90% between the 3 judges to be awarded what's called a "Certificate of Excellence." Then all Certificate of Excellence winners in a category compete for the Muse Medallion, which is the highest award bestowed. It's a matter of points--whoever has the most wins.
I was a Certificate of Excellence winner in all 3 categories, but had hopes of winning a Muse Medallion only in two. My book was up against Chicken Soup for the Cat Lovers Soul and I harbored no illusions of the outcome in that area. And sure enough, I lost that category and the humor column. Then they came to the individual humor piece. Before the winner is announced, the mc reads the judges comments. For the humor piece, one comment was, "...the perfect humor article. There is nothing that could be done to improve it..."
"Oh shoot, I didn't win," I thought. But wait--yes--that was my name being called. Even better than winning the category was the cheer I heard as I walked to the stage to collect the medal. Cat writers are wonderfully supportive people and I received a big burst of applause which meant the world to me.
So now I have a big honkin' cat medal staring me in the face from the corner of my bulletin board where I have oh-so-causally draped it. On the back is engraved, "Dena Harris - Humor - 2006."
I'm very pleased.
Of All The Stupid Things I've Done...
/"Schmuck," I muttered to myself as I sat on the bench outside the San Francisco airport in the dark at 4:45 AM Sunday morning. No one was around to hear me which was fine, as I was addressing myself.
Of all the stupid things I 've done in life--and there are a few--this ranks up there as one of the goodies. I had a 6:30 flight out of San Francisco to return home after my conference. The hotel shuttle didn't run that early so I had them call me a cab. Feeling very metropolitan (we don't have cabs in NC--we just hitch rides on tractors), I tipped my cab driver, grabbed the handle of my just-under-50-pound suitcase and sauntered into the airport. I parked my bag in front of a self-checkin kiosk, reached into my bag and...shit!
I'd left my wallet in the cab. The wallet including my money, every credit card I own, and that all important driver's license that would allow me on the plane.
Ever have those moments of pure panic where you just become completely immobilized? I experienced that, then came to and burst into a run for the door. It had been about 4 minutes since the cab dropped me off and I knew there was no way he was still out there, but I had to try. I flew through the door and wild-eyed examined the drop-off area. Nope. Gone. I turned to a luggage check-in guy and shrilled "I left my wallet in the cab!"
"Wow," said the guy. "Try downstairs and see if they can call the cab company for you."
Okay. Now I had a plan. Downstairs. Call cab. I ran up to the nearest uniformed person, a young woman standing outside a luggage x-ray machine. "I-left-my-wallet-in-a-cab-and-the-guy-upstairs-said-someone-here-could-call -the-cab-company-for-me," I babbled.
"Que?" she said.
Rational thought started to kick in. I grabbed my cell and called the hotel. "We know the driver," they said. "That's Amad. Hold on and we'll connect you."
I got Amad on the phone and explained my wallet was in his backseat and please come back to the airport. He said he'd be there in 15 minutes. Thank you, God, I silently intoned and went upstairs to wait for him. I held out for 20 minutes before I called him again.
"Hi Amad, this is Dena. I just wanted to let you know I'm waiting in the drop-off area like we agreed."
"Yes, yes. I am coming to you. I promise."
"Oh, I know. I was just, um, checking."
Another 15 minutes goes by. How on earth did he get that far from the airport in so short a time? But he finally pulls up and he's in a bigger panic than me when he hands me my wallet. I try to hand him a tip but he waves me away. "Please, please. Check to see everything is there."
I glance inside the wallet. "It's here. Thank you so much for--"
"No! Please check carefully that everything is there." He's very upset.
I do an inventory and everything appears fine. Only then does he accept my tip. I finally make my way inside, obtain my boarding pass and collapse in the waiting area.
And THIS is why I arrive at airports two hours early. You just never know when you'll hit traffic, an airport delay or--if you're me--do something incredibly stupid.
But life is a matter of perspective. I called Blair while I was outside waiting for Amad to show up. "Guess what I did?" I asked, then told him the story. "So you're having a bad day?" he sympathized.
I thought about it. Although my heart was only just returning to its normal beating pattern, I was okay. I was getting my wallet back and I had enough time to make my flight. I'd been extremely fortunate the hotel had been able to help me as quickly as they did and that I had a cab driver willing to return.
"I actually have to say I'm having a pretty good day," I said. "I got lucky."
Here's hoping each of you has a lucky day as well.
If You Can't Operate A Seat Buckle, You're Beyond My Help
/Greetings all! I'm sitting in a business center in my hotel in California, feeding my e-mail addiction. Thought I'd pop in here and share a chuckle with you.
Let me start with a shout-out to "Dan" who was the flight attendant on American Airlines from NC to Chicago on the 12:30 PM Thursday flight. Dan needs to quit his job as a flight attendant and go into stand-up comedy.
We're sitting on a little commuter plane and as the door closes, Dan turns to us and says, "Now it's time for the exciting safety presentation I'm sure none of you have ever heard before. " We all chuckled. Dan held up the sample seatbelt. "Okay, I'll show you how to work this but honestly, if you don't have it down by now you're probably beyond my help."
That got laughs. He went on to mime the words of the pre-recorded safety tape that broadcast over the plane and then said, "Oh! Listen--this is my favorite euphemism." The woman on the tape said, "In the event of a..." and Dan mimed big quote marks in the air, "WATER LANDING..."
"Right," said Dan. "Because we really meant for THAT to happen."
The woman's voice continued, "Please use your seat cushion as a flotation device..."
"I don't think that's been tested," said Dan. "They look like they'd sink to me."
People were howling. Everyone on the plane was watching the safety demonstration, waiting to see what Dan would do next.
He showed us how to use the oxygen masks that dropped down, making a face as he pulled it over his head, as if it stank. The woman's voice droned on, "...If traveling with a small child, secure your mask first and then your child's."
"And if you're traveling with two children, pick your favorite," cracked Dan.
At the end of the safety demonstration, the plane erupted in spontaneous applause. What an effective way to get people to pay attention. I know that's probably the first safety presentation I've actually watched in 10 years.
So I arrived safe and sound in California. The hotel reeks of cats, which I don't recall from prior years. I must be on a floor with a number of unfixed Tom cats as their urine is usually much more potent than a fixed cats. Regardless, it stinks.
Later today I'll head over to the Cat Fanciers National Contest and do a 1-hour book signing and then wander rows and rows and rows of felines. I will be in cat heaven. If I can get a cab waiting for me, I may just grab a Persian and run.
Wish me luck.
