Oprah Schmopra

This Monday (Valentines Day...could she be more cruel?) Oprah profiled her 12-week bootcamp to get Americans to shape up and lose weight. Like most viewers, I watched the show from my couch where I ate chips and took mental notes on what I needed to do to lose weight.

Miss O's bootcamp is not for the faint of heart. For the first month there are NO grains. Not even the good whole-grain stuff we're supposed to be allowed in moderation. Nada. Nothing.

You know what? That's just not going to happen for me.

There are also 8 workouts a week. I'm all in favor of good health, but if God saw fit to only make seven days, far be it from me to usurp Her judgment and throw an extra workout day in there. Wouldn't want to tick her off now, would we?

And then there is the no eating 2-3 hours before your bedtime rule. I perked up and potato chips crumbs rolled to the floor. "Do only this," Oprah said, "and you will lose weight."

Now we're talking! I can do that. I go to bed at 10, so my cutoff time is between 7-8 pm. I don't need to be eating dinner any later than that, so this would work out perfect. The pounds, I was sure, would just melt away.

I was perfect on Monday. Had some decaf herbal tea at 8pm and went to bed a little hungry, but very much in control.

But yesterday I taught class and was hungry when I got in my car at 8:50. I ate half an apple, thinking, "It's fruit. Fruit is good for you." But I knew I'd cheated. So there was only one thing left to do.

Stay up until midnight.

So technically, I didn't eat anything 3 hours before bed. I just hope I don't make this a habit. Otherwise I can see my bedtime creeping around the clock until I'm going to bed at 8am because I just had to have a bowl of cereal at 3.

I don't think diet bootcamp is intended for people like me.