Baby's First Mammogram

Stilettos  and a mammogram all in one week... I feel like I should start a photo album comparable to "Baby's First (steps, words, smile) only mine will consist of mid-life goals: first mammogram, first hot flash, first time qualifying for the senior citizen discount...

Okay, I'm not there yet.  But I did have my baseline mammogram done today.  Not to destroy the legend of all the pain we women supposedly go through during these, but it really was nothing.  Apparently the fatty flesh of the breast provides such a barrier to pain that you could stomp up and down on my chest like you were flattening grapes to make wine, and chances are I wouldn't feel a thing.

For those who've yet to experience the pleasure (and for all 3 of my male readers), here's the deal.  Per usual, you slip on the ugly cotton robe that ties in the front.  Then you sit at a desk with a nurse who asks if you've noticed anything unusual with your breasts, such as any discharges.  Now really, if my breasts are discharging something is it likely I'm going to wait until a scheduled mammogram appointment to bring that up? Are there really women that get asked that question and pipe up, "Oh, I'm so glad you asked that because I almost forgot.  Last Wednesday my nipple was oozing a white goo.  Should I be concerned?"

With questions out of the way, it's onto "the machine."  This almost looks like the big machine you lean into when you go to the eye doctor only instead of resting your chin in a stirrup, you slap your breast on a glass plate.  Then another glass plate closes on top of it.  I really didn't feel anything except a light tugging sensation around my lower neck because the skin over the chest area was so taught.  Two front views, two side views, and it's over.   The whole thing took about 6 minutes.

Just for kicks, I followed the mammogram up with a yearly pap smear.  Again, for you menfolk, during that process the doctor will also do a quick breast exam.  As my doctor was doing my exam, he looked at me and, knowing my age, said with a touch of reproof, "Now, given your age, you really should have a baseline mammogram."

"HA!" I exclaimed.  "I just had one 20 minutes ago."  I looked at the in-room nurse and grinned as she laughed.  I love being one up on the doctors.

So that's my exciting day.  My blood pressure is something like 120/64 and my iron is good.  And the breasts have reformed into their pre-squashed state.  All in all, a good day.