My life is a mess. I didn’t realize this until late yesterday afternoon when I sat down with an InStyle and an O magazine. Thank God I read them though, as I apparently have the wrong hair, clothes, mate, moisturizer, mascara, shoes, jewelry and, I suspect, breath.
Why do women read these things? The more pages I flipped through, the more I became convinced my life was lacking. While 20 minutes earlier the only thing I was craving was a piece of dark chocolate, suddenly I was obsessed with cuter clothes, oversized purses, bangles on my arm, chunky hairlights, and instigating a complete home/body make-over.
I was on the couch reading and Blair was in the leather chair across the room.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” I announced, pausing on a page.
“What’s the good news?” asked Blair.
“The good news is that it is NOT necessary to have weekly or monthly facials so long as you take daily good care of your skin,” I said. “Which is good, since I never get facials.”
“And the bad?”
“I need to be getting a chemical peel on my face at least twice a year.”
“I see,” said Blair. “And why is that?”
“Because they reduce crow’s feet, fine lines, blemishes, and rejuvinate the skin,” I chanted, tracing the words with my fingers on the page as I read them aloud.
“Hm-mmm,” said Blair, returning to his book.
“I want a chemical peel!” I shouted. “According to this, everyone is getting chemical peels! I’ll be the only non-dewey skinned, haggard, wrinkly woman out there if I don’t get my chemical peels."
“But I’ll still love you,” said Blair.
“You shut up,” I said. I flipped to a new page in my magazine. “I want my chemical peel. "
No wonder women have low self-esteem. Have you SEEN what’s expected of us in the pages of these magazines? Perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect clothes, perfect accessories, perfect job, perfect relationship, unsmeared lipstick 24/7 and seductive underwear that probably costs more than what’s sitting in my 401K.
It’s impossible to achieve. And yet… I am in somewhat of a funk after reading those pages. I need to find a quick way to purge the “I want…” beauty magazine induced cooties from my system.
I bet a chemical peel would do the trick.