Trying to Get Ahead

While some people operate in "catch-up" mode, I am constantly in what I consider "get ahead" mode. It's one reason I'm always checking e-mail--if I stay on top of it then I can deal with things as they come in and not let them pile up and voila!--I'm "ahead." Yes, I realize it rarely works that way. My constant e-mail checking instead allows me to put off doing the real work that actually would place me ahead.  

But this nagging feeling of "stay on top, don't fall behind," permeates into every area of my life.  Blair and I will be in the car and I'll be giving orders, "Hurry, we can pass that car. Go around this guy.  Hurry and we'll make the light!"  Blair always asks, "What's the rush? We've got plenty of time." And we do.  But I feel the persistent need to be ahead in case something goes wrong. I'm anxious in the grocery store if my line is moving slower than the others. I don't like it if the yoga class I attend doesn't start right on time because then we'll get out late and oh my God, it's like the end of the world to me.

I'm working on letting go of this feeling.  It's a hard process--like changing the core of your being.  Still, I don't want to go through life feeling like I'm racing against an unknown enemy.  This weekend, for example, I "let go."

Checking e-mail on Saturday, I received the edited versions of several written pieces I'd been waiting for.  My impulse was to dive in and compare the edited versions to my original ones, see if I had any comments and e-mail my reply.  I got excited about doing the work. Why?  Because if I cleared it off my plate now, then I'd be ahead for Monday. I took a deep breath and set it aside.

I received an e-mail from a fellow writer I've been trying to arrange a lunch date with.  I wanted to break out my day planner and check the date--just so I wouldn't have to deal with it on Monday. I gritted my teeth and moved on to the next e-mail.

In Saturday's mail, I received copies of two articles coming out in the next issue of a pet magazine, which reminded me these people are woefully behind in their payments owed me. I fought against racing upstairs and tackling that issue immediately. 

Now of course I could have done any of those items this weekend and yes, I would be ahead of the game in that I wouldn't have to deal with them today.  But looking at the big picture, I'd only be marginally "ahead" and I would have had to give up my weekend time to do it.  What I need to realize is there will always be tiny issues popping up and I will never be able to say I'm 100% fully caught up, because there's always something waiting in the wings. 

Which ironically circles me back to that slightly panicked feeling of "then I'd better do what I can now because who knows what really big event might come along to suck up all my time."

And yet, it's Monday, it's sunny, Olivia was in my lap purring a few minutes ago and I just brewed a pot full of Snickerdoodle decaf coffee and the smell permeates the house.  Life is good.  It will take less than an hour to e-mail the friend, fire off an e-mail demanding my money to the publisher of the magazine that owes me, and do a quick printout and comparison of my articles. Less than an hour.  Leaving me plenty of time to tackle the other Monday morning workday tasks that await.

Here's to not being ahead, not being behind, but instead, just enjoying the ride.

Dena 

Very Blessed

Okay, even I admit 3 blog entries in one day is a bit much and I promise this will be the last  (And they may have to tide you over the weekend).   But I am just  moved to say that I am so thankful for the people in my life.  I have some truly incredible, caring friends.  There are the lifelong friends like Trisha, there are new friends like the wonderful people in my writer's group, and there are those people I really only know on a causal basis say from Toastmasters or my Triad Networking group that still blow me away with their caring.  I've received numerous supportive e-mails from my Toastmasters friends on the content of my last speech and offering words of encouragement for the area competition.  Triad Network friends e-mail me kitty clips or videos they think might make me laugh. I just received an e-mail from a woman who wrote in to say she and her "bitchy calico" both loved my book.  (I cracked up laughing at that).  I know in my humor I tend to go sarcastic which often reads negative, so I thought I'd take a moment to just say I appreciate every single one of you out there for bringing your presence to my life.  I'm a better person for it.

Dena 

Holy Cow!

Remember the Pet-A-Scopes humor column I've been asked to write for a veterinarian's magazine? I spoke to the magazine editor today who said she'd like to bring me out to Portland, Oregon for a week to meet with her, tour the campus and interact with some vets. 

Wha--??? You could have knocked me over with a feather.  Magazines are notoriously tight on budgets.  They don't like to pay authors let alone fly them out for a visit.  I'm psyched--I've never been to Portland. And this training compound sounds incredible. I just love this about life--you never, ever know where it's going to take you.  One minute I'm heating up a sweet potato in the microwave (which is beeping at me to let me know it's done) and the next minute I'm penciling in "Portland" on my daytimer. 

It's freaking me out a little bit, like I better step up my game.  I wasn't at all nervous about writing this column before but now I feel a bit intimidated--like they'll be thinking, "Hey!  We spent all this money on this woman and this drivel is what she gives us?  Off with her head!"

Luckily I work well under pressure.  Bring on the guillotine.

Wildacres Residency

I received some good news I've been hoping for.  I was awarded one of the 25 slots for the Wildacres Residency Program. Wildacres is a 1600-acres compound near the Blue Ridge Parkway that hosts different groups throughout the year for creativity (writers workshops, pottery/painting seminars) and business retreats. They also have a small cabin (see photo) on the compound that they award free one-week residencies to writers, artists, and musicians. The cabin has no phone, radio, TV or alarm clock, but does have wood burning indoor and outdoor fireplaces and its own tiny kitchen (meals are served at the main lodge). There is also (gulp) no Internet access except at two public telephones where you can connect your laptop.

The point of the residency is to focus exclusively on your project with no distractions.  No spouses, friends, pets are allowed. The artist in residence is allowed to join group activities scheduled at the main lodge, however.

I've tentatively been assigned a week in September.  I was a little disappointed, as I was hoping to go earlier, but the more I think about it the better I like the time frame. We leave in May for England/Scotland and I'll need most of June to catch up on assignments and get back on track.  The cabin isn't air-conditioned so I have no desire to visit in July or August so there you have it: September will be here before I know it. 

There is an immense appeal in going away to write.  No distractions, no "have to's," no "when I can find the time." When I mentioned last month to Blair I was applying his response was if that's what I wanted why didn't I just take a week or a month or whatever and go to a hotel or B&B somewhere and write?

Logical question that I don't have a logical answer for.  My answer is because. Because if I went to a hotel, every day I'm thinking that my being there is costing money--room, meals, etc. And it seems so self-indulgent--being able to work from home isn't enough, now I have to have turn-down service too?

But being given a free week of board with free meals and being acknowledged as a writer having earned my place there feels different.  I recognize it's all mental, but I just feel like I'll put more into this residency than I would if I just went and stayed at a random hotel for a week.

I want it to be a week of discovery. Will I stay up and write late into the night since I won't have to be up early for yoga or networking sessions? Will I spend my time in the cabin or seek the company of others at the lodge? Will I write longhand or shorthand? How many hours a day will I spend writing? How many hours a day can I spend writing? At home, there's always a phone call or an errand or an assignment or dinner or something that comes along to chop up the day.  Here, it will be my time to do with whatever I please. 

Fingers crossed I don't blow it.  That would be depressing to go and waste a week and be bored.  I don't think that will happen though.  I'm too anal-retentive to allow it.  However, I am taking NOTHING up there except my Millicent story.  No other projects, no itty-bitty assignments, no columns or query letters to be worked on.  The only "to do" is to work on my novel.

I can't wait.