Two things. First, I received an e-mail from PMA this morning congratulating me on having Lessons In Stalking ACCEPTED for trade distribution to national book stores through their program. Of course! I thought. The rejection had been a misunderstanding. A silly mistake I'll laugh about with the hosts of Good Morning America as my book picks up speed and I go on my national tour. What good PR this will bring!
Then two e-mails down was another e-mail from PMA, apologizing for the "incorrect e-mail regarding your acceptance status" in the trade distribution program. They "apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused" me. Hmmm. The next time those of you reading this blog see me, could you do me a favor? Would you mind checking my back to see if someone has taped a "KICK ME" sign there while I wasn't looking?
I do have good news, however. I was accepted by the American Society of Journalists and Authors (ASJA) which does hold a small amount of prestige. So "nyeh, nyeh, nyeh" to PMA.
I've been rather gloomy for some time now over my work. Nothing in particular, just a "not satisfied" feeling in general with life. I try my hardest to ignore this feeling because history reveals that following this feeling almost always leads to a drastic cut in monetary benefit to our household.
My first "not satisfied" feeling led me to quitting my full-time job in 1998 and earning my Masters in Library Science. I worked for a year as a database librarian and loved my job and co-workers but the "not satisfied" feeling crept back in and circumstances allowed me to quit so I travelled and goofed off for 6 months. You would think that would be every person's dream, but "Not satisfied" knocked again so I went to work part-time at the Women's Resource Center and started writing part-time. Then, (guess who!) "Not satisfied" came a calling and I quit my job to write full-time. Now that I'm actually earning money with writing...take a guess. Wow, you're good. Yes, "Not satisfied" has decided to visit again.
Here is what I think. I don't think "Not satisfied" really has much to do with the actual work I'm involved in. I think I'm lacking a deeper foundation, a spiritual base, which is harboring this "not satisfied" feeling. Work and recognition and all that is a fine thing, but I know there's a deeper purpose for being on this planet. I used to belong to a spiritual group I enjoyed very much because it gave perspective to life. These day-to-day "Oh I got accepted/rejected by PMA" are the side shows, not the main event. But the group I belonged to was moving in a direction I didn't care for, so I dropped it. That's been over 5 years ago and I haven't yet found anything to replace it.
I'm not a church person. And I think churches are very good things for many people. But for me, spirituality is an exploration, and I prefer discussion, questioning, raising doubts and finding your own answers--something I haven't seen as being popular in most churches.
Some of it is just laziness. I've been saying I'm going to attend a meeting at a Quaker church in GSO for some time because I've heard wonderful things about this particular church. But it's a 45-minute drive there and back which eats up my Sunday and blah, blah, blah, excuse, excuse, excuse. I'm holding to that "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" philosophy, as that's pretty much how I found my first group which brought so much to my life. But I also think "God helps those who help themselves," so I need to be proactive in seeking things out.
But I do think the reason for my discontent isn't that I'm unhappy with work. I love what I do. I think it's just feeling off-balance in life.