Wrestling With Self-Doubt

I'm having a crappy day.  The gloomy grey "I may rain on your ass any minute now" sky isn't helping, nor is the fact that I have contractors yelling and stomping up and down the stairs.  The yelling really isn't their fault.  They're trying to thread wires through the ceiling so one guy is in the attic and one is in the bathroom and yelling is the only way to communicate.  And I'm sure given the choice, they'd rather not have me sitting here, in the middle of their work either.

But the real reason for my "down-on-life" attitude is I received an e-mail from PMA (Publishers Marketing Association) informing me that after thorough review,  Lessons In Stalking was not selected for distribution with the major distributors to book stores. The consensus was the book wasn't strong enough to compete with what's already on the market. 

I'm not even depressed so much as I've moved into a "whatever" mood.  That's much more dangerous.  Depression  can be shaken off.  The lethargic "whatever" tends to linger longer.  And frankly, I don't entirely disagree with the assessment.  While I stand by my book's content, I wish I had chosen a different cover, title, and interior font.  I don't think what I selected is doing me any favors in the marketplace. 

I'm supposed to be coming up with a marketing plan, speaking plan, outreach plan, blah blah blah for the book and myself and I am just so not in the mood.  One part of me is  excited by the idea of more of a speaking career and really jumping in and making things happen.  The other part of me is saying, "Are you an idiot?  Why introduce all that stress into your life? Go watch Survivor with the rest of America and get over yourself."

I'm inches away from launching into a "Why am I here and what is life all about and why do I try?" soliloquy so I think it's time to stop.  Bad poetry can only follow, and no one wants to see that happen.