Uh, Honey, Anything You Want To Tell Me...?

Uh HUH. So. I'm sitting at my desk this morning, tap-tap-tapping away on my keyboard when the doorbell rings. Cats go flying under beds and as I walk to the front door I see a man in a brown UPS shirt walking back toward his truck. Yea, a delivery! Deliveries are always such fun. But hmmm.... I don't remember ordering anything as of late. What could it be?

God give me patience. I open the door to find these on the front porch:

Why doesn't he WARN me about these things? The other day I came home to find a 6-foot wrapped pole leaning against the mailbox. Fishing pole? No - bow and arrow set. I don't know whether to be happy he's got a hobby or - frankly - a bit concerned. 

So I don't know what Conan thinks we're going to do with these inner tube things. I'm hoping the word "River" on the box is misleading and maybe he's booked us at some 5-star resort where we'll sip organic pina coladas as our tubes are guided through an air-conditioned tunnel of chlorine-filled, chemically altered crystal blue pool water. I KNOW he doesn't expect me to set foot in the humid, buggy, mud-entrenched Dan River outside our home. Does he? DOES HE??

I swear, if snow shoes or a hang-gliding kit show up at the door, I'm having him evaluated. 

I think it's revenge for all the vegan meals. I SAID I was sorry about the $75 hemp-protein pancakes already... please, honey, let it go.