Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You

Here is a conversation I’ve had more than once over the phone. You can insert almost any friend’s name in here.


ME: Hello?

FRIEND: Hey! What’s up?

ME: Nothing.

FRIEND: So whatcha doing?

ME: Um… stuff. Did you need something?

The majority of my friends understand and respect the fact that I am not a phone talker. I am, in fact, the very opposite of whatever a phone talker may be. Is “phone hater” a thing? I think it should be.

People who love to talk on the phone flummox me. It’s like telling me you spent the whole day walking around on your hands. Why? Why would you do such a thing?

This was brought home to me this past weekend when I met my friends Christie and Cindy for Feeny’s fro-yo. One of our friends, Jeriann, had moved to Texas and we were bemoaning her loss.

“She’s so busy,” said Cindy. “I probably only talk to her two or three times a week.”

“What do you mean ‘only?’” I asked.

“We used to talk every day when she was here,” said Cindy.

My jaw dropped. “You did what???”  I looked to Christie to share my shock and horror.

“Oh honey, we talk every day,” she said, motioning to Cindy.

I sat in stunned silence. Part of me felt left out, but the greater part of me was horrified they might drag me into this phone hell with them. Which they immediately did.

“We’re going to call you every day,” said Cindy, winking at Christie.

“Oh honey, I’ll call you on my drive in, my lunch hour and from the bathroom,” said Christie.

“Don’t even joke,” I said.

Of course they both immediately posted to my Facebook page how they’re looking forward to calling me every day.

Those posts prompted the following exchange with another friend who well knows how much I hate to talk on the phone. We had chatted briefly the day of the posts on a work-related matter. The next day, I received a voicemail that I saved and transcribed:

"Hi, it’s me. I am so sad you’re not around. I have so much to tell you since we spoke yesterday, which is roughly been 16 hours, honestly too long to go without talking. Oh--huge huge huge news! I think I found a gray pubic hair this morning while shaving. I showed it to L--- and he tried to convince me that it was dirty blonde. I really think he was trying to make me feel better but I just don't know if he can be trusted at this point. We can talk about this tomorrow to see what you think. Love you. Call me!"


Oh. My. God. I do so love my friends. Even if I can’t get off the damn phone with them.