Apparently, I Am A Skeksis

How my husband sees meBlair and I are in the car Saturday night, driving back from a book signing in Asheville. We're about two hours from home and the radio is on, playing Christmas music. We've been chatting a bit about work and family when I turn to Blair. 

"So," I say. "How are we doing?"

It's hard to explain the grimace of pain that contorts my husband's face when I utter this simple phrase. Let's just say he looks like he's just been through a welcome session at Guantanamo and the grimace ends with a long, exasperated, drawn-out sigh.

"We're fine. I'm fine! Everything is fine! No, not fine. Great! We're great! Why? (And here his face contorts in another clenched teeth grimace). What do you think is wrong?"

"I don't think anything is wrong," I said. 

Blair disguised as Jen the Gelfling"Yes, you do. The only time you ask how we're doing is when you have something to say about how we're doing and it's something that you think is a problem. Or I'm doing something wrong. So just go ahead and tell me what it is and I'll stop doing it. Or start doing it. Or whatever."

"Nothing's wrong!" I said. "Sheesh. I was just checking in to make sure you were happy with how we were--"

"I'm always happy with how we are. I'm a man. I don't know any better."

"--and to give you the chance and opportunity to say something, if something needed to be said. Because that's what a thoughtful and caring wife like me does. Moron." I added that last bit under my breath. 

Blair patted my leg. "I'm sorry. It's just that you have a little Skeksis in you."

"Excuse me?" I asked. 

"You know, the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal? Remember the scene where the main Skeksis approached Jen and Kira out in the wild and he was all, 'Skeksis friend! Stay! Skeksis friend with Gelfling!' Okay, you knew he was lying or had ulterior motives. That's you, honey."

"Just to be clear," I said, "I'm trying to improve our relationship through open communication and your response to that is to compare me to a large badly dressed turkey buzzard from a Jim Henson movie?"

 "See?" said Blair. "Right there. Total Skeksis attitude." 

Dear readers, please tell me you have similar conversations with your spouses. I need reassurance we're not the only freaks out here. 'Cause otherwise, I am going to be one mad Skeksis. ;)

Cheers,

Dena

Psst... Hey buddy. Wanna buy some pine needles?

Sitting at my desk working today when the doorbell rings. An older gentleman in a down vest and hunting cap is at the front door, pickup truck parked in our drive. 

He gives me a smile. "Ma'am. I was wondering if that's your land right behind this house?"

"Yes," I say. (Side note: Do you ever wonder what it would take for you not to be polite and answer someone's question? I have no idea who this man is, why he's at my door, or why he wants to know about the land behind our house but it doesn't occur to me to question him. I wouldn't want to appear rude.) 

"Would you mind if I took some of the pine needles ya'll got back there?"

"Uh...sure?" (Again, with the not wanting to be rude.)

He tipped his hat. "Thank you, ma'am. I always like to stop and ask first."

And that was it. He got in his truck and I watched him pull around the block to collect pine needles from our yard. For what? I don't know. How many? Clueless. I assume he wants those already fallen off the trees but for all I know he's back there right now with a chainsaw, hauling off whole pine trees and thinking (rightly so) that he received permission to do so. 

I started this post thinking it would be a funny commentary on how strange people can be but I see now that I'm the weird one. Hey, here's an idea. Why don't some of you show up at my door and ask me about my finances or love life or where we keep the good china? I'll tell you all you want to know.

Wouldn't want to be rude.