New Nemesis

Batman had the Joker... Popeye had Brutus... and Kirk had Kahn. Bitter enemies, each, until the end.

I too, have my nemesis. Not a sole proprietor, but rather an ever growing army of evil. I call this nemesis... Demon Squirrels From Hell.

And now they have company.

It appears the chipmunks have joined their ranks. Remember the clawing and shuffling in the vent tunnels last week? The exterminator guy said it looked like chipmunks had got in there. "I don't like 'em," he said, then put enough poison out to kill a small cow. (For the record, I was unaware of this. I thought he just hadn't showed but turned out he came 'round the house last week after all and did an outside inspection and left the bait then.)

So... the chipmunks want to fight me as well? Bring it on.  I'll never admit defeat. Do you hear me? Never!!

I am so going to build myself a cat cave from which I'll fight the forces of evil. And if I can get a cool car and a butler named Alfred and a billionaire playgirl secret identity in the deal, so much the better.

Some of us were born to be heroes.

The Return of the Rabid Squirrels

They're back.

I refer, of course, to the killer squirrels who have made consistent (if failed) attempts on my home and life for the past four years.

As I sit typing these words, I face a vent in the wall. Attached behind the vent is a long silver air duct tube. And from that tube for the last 20 minutes have come the sounds of scrambling, scurrying, and the click-clack of the nails of a creature that is drawing closer... closer... vent.jpg

Pounding on the wall doesn't work. Rattling the vent doesn't work. Shining a high-powered flashlight down the tube while screaming "Go away!" makes the scrambling pause, but only until I click the light off.

Is it squirrels? Mice? Rabid termites? Who the hell knows. Or cares. Andy Rooney could be hiding in my vent system and my only comment on finding out would be, "Get him out of here."

It's hard to focus on writing when my eyes constantly stray to the vent. At any given moment I expect glowing red malevolent eyes to glare back at me from behind their vented prison. The way I see it, I have several options:

  1. Ignore the sounds and hope whatever is making them will go away. (A confession: This has been my plan of attack this past week. It doesn't seem to be working...)
  2. Yell "Eat hot death!" as I throw handfuls of rat poison pellets down the tube. Only I'm thinking throwing poison down a vent designed to circulate air to my home may not be the smartest use of my time.
  3. Cave and call the exterminator people who charged me the GNP of a small country last year when they removed the squirrels from our home.
  4. Curl into the fetal position and make Blair deal with it when he gets home from work.

Am I running an animal hotel? We've still got the stray cat under our house and now this.

The noises have stopped as I write this blog. I think whatever it is senses I'm planning against it. If you don't see a new blog entry from me tomorrow, you'll know something here at home went very, very wrong...

5 Nice Things That Happened to Me Yesterday

It's important to recognize the daily small good things in life. To that end, here's my off-the-top-of-my-head list of nice things that occurred in my life yesterday:

  1. My tabby cat Olivia woke me up with a vibrating paw massage on my back.
  2. I met my friend Melody at my satellite office (aka "Panera") to hand off some paperwork.  Melody was in a rush but when I asked if she had time to sit, she said, "I will for a minute, just to have that time in your presence." It might sound cheesy or off-the-cuff from someone else but Melody is sincere when she makes comments like that and it's flattering.
  3. I took a pair of jeans into an alterations shop to be hemmed (just under 5'5" does that to you). I happened to be wearing a new wrap top that gapped every time I moved my arms. The seamstress added a snap to the front of the blouse on the spot while I waited--and didn't charge me.
  4. I was a guest last night at a women's think tank group where I met a small circle of interesting, dynamic women.
  5. Someone asked me if I'd lost weight. (No, but God bless you for asking).

Here's hoping nice things happen to you all day today.